Committee of the Great

COMMITTEE OF THE GREAT

This Committee acts in an advisory capacity and consists of the elder statesmen of the movement. The members presently are -

Josef Stalin - A man born to walk in a cloud of awesome evil. Easily agitated, especially when he hears the word 'kulak'. Keeps talking about a webmastershchina, whatever that means. A valuable member of the Committee but costs the movement a lot of money buying bullets, not to mention repair costs to cellar walls.

Adolph Hitler - Well, what can we say! A foul, evil minion of the dark powers, if ever there was one, Adolph invented ethnic cleansing and has proved an inspiration to countless others that followed him. Earns a little money on the side doing Charlie Chaplin impersonations at Bar Mitzvahs.

Vlad the Impaler - What a lovely little mass murderer he was. His motto is "If I don't like 'em. I spike 'em".

Idi Amin - Another groovy mass murderer. His motto is " If I don't think them fine, on their bodies I will dine". Don't go to his place for a barbeque unless you like a feed of Long Pig.

Osama bin Laden - The best of the new breed, his advice is sought often by the movement. A real 'black hat' if ever there was one (well, black turban anyway).

Heinrich Himmler, Reichsfuhrer S.S. und Chef der Deutchen Politzie - A right little raver, this one. This pea-brain was the only Nazi to actually believe in Hitler's racial crap, so on that basis alone is invaluable to the movement. His little mate Reinhardt Heydrich would be here as well, only he forgot to czech under his car as he drove to work. A real Bohemian, he was (boom boom) (literally).

Jack the Ripper. A fine murderer, this one. Gave rise to the fad of amateur autopsies. Got himself a nice little cameo on Babylon 5. Nice work, Jack.

Satan - The old boy doesn't get out much these days, no need to really, since the Holy Webmaster took over. He says he was getting bored anyway because humans simply didn't need him anymore, they were evil enough on their own. Likes to relax in front of the fire with his cloven hoofs up.

Tiny Tim - Nobody, but nobody, could be anything but pure evil if they did what this fellow did to music. Obviously inspired by The Legendary Stardust Cowboy whom our Tim actually made sound tuneful. Welcome on board, Tim.

Pope Innocent XIII - Boy, oh boy, what a star. Well known to all the ex-Cathars of the 12th/13th centuries. Credited by history with the invention of the B-B-Q.

Santa Claus - Oh, he is real, alright. Always has been a vital part of the movement, teaching the young of the west to expect things for nothing and to develop a cargo cult mentality. In later life, disillusioned, they become easy pickings for The Holy Webmaster.

HONOURARY POSITIONS.

A number of seats on this Committee are reserved ex-officio for nominees of Organisations and informal groupings that have contributed to making life more difficult for everyone else, frustrating them, making them more susceptible to the overtures of The Holy Webmaster.

College Of Anti-Standardisation Cats - These are the people who do things like the Betacord/VHS fiasco, DVD rewritable non-standards, right hand/left hand drive motor vehicles, feet/metres, real English/US English, TV Broadcast Formats, light switches and power plugs, electric supply voltages, propriety standards etc. The list is endless. Keep up the good work guys, we don't want happiness and contentment to spread, do we?

Guild Of Virus and Worm Writers and the Script Kiddies Club - When these guys strike, they sure hurt the right people. Not Governments, they pay for the damage out of the taxpayers pocket. Not big business, they just up their prices. They only hurt the little people, the battlers, who can't afford to buy Virus Checkers. Right on guys.

Society Of Proprietary Operating System Owners - You know the drill, write (or buy) your system, buy out or crush the opposition, then charge like a wounded bull for your product. Lovely stuff. Oh, lets not forget, sue the bejabbers out of any charity that has the temerity to bend the draconian licensing laws. Most fun you can have with your clothes on.

Wonky Game Developers Chapter - These are the guys that write and release games full of bugs that mysteriously cost the same as all other games released on the market. (who said that retail price maintenance was dead?) Poor old Joe Public puts up with the bugs or spends a week downloading fixes. Some cunning developers call their bug fixes 'expansion packs' and make more lovely dosh.

The Utilities And Operating System Co-ordination Board - These are the chaps whose job it is to ensure that any Operating System Upgrade released to the public is totally incompatible with all the Utility Suites that Joe Public might have bought to go with the older OS. Wow guys, a license to print money. Don't forget The Holy Webmaster's cut.

The Blue Screen Vigilantes - These guys are responsible for programming the blue screen of death into the Operating System. (You thought they happened randomly?). This is designed to make Joe Public rush out to buy the Utilities that will, in due course, need replacing. They co-operate closely with The Utilities And Operating System Co-ordination Board.

The Web Browser Differential Board - The people who are responsible for ensuring that the divers Web Browsers available have enough minor differences and incompatibilities to ensure that web users don't enjoy themselves too much, and to ensure that the suicide rate amongst web designers is maintained at it's current high rate.

The Bloatware Board - This Board is responsible for policing the law requiring all new versions of software released to be at least double the size of the previous version. Financial encouragement is given to ensure that the extra code contains features useless to 99.99% of the population. This Board is fully funded by CPU, Memory, and Hard Drive Corporations.

The Guild of System File Overwriters and the Memory Leak Foundation - These guys have the responsibility of driving end users straight into the arms of The Holy Webmaster through sheer frustration. Their favourite overwrite is still good old mfc42.dll, but any old system file will do these days. Bad coding rules, O.K.?

The Linux Promissory Committee - These people are responsible for promising the world to end users but never quite delivering, driving them back to the corporate suits screaming for mercy. Funded directly from Holy Redmond. Also similarly funded is The Gang Of Ten, who caused similar reactions by releasing the most under-ripe operating system in the known universe. Brilliant!

The Pro Licensing Board - The Board has the responsibility of licensing the word 'Pro' for use by software developers, enabling them to use the word in the title of their product, before doubling the price of that product.

Spellchecker Conspiracy Council - Responsible for ensuring all software requiring a spellchecker defaults upon installation to US English, corrupting the proper use of correct language in the real world. Inspired by the sterling work of the television programme 'Sesame Street' in pushing the letter 'Zee' onto the unsuspecting world. Their motto is, of course, 'Zed Is Dead'. Soon we all will be saying things like "Yo is a raggity ho an' a hootchie mumma, an' I ain't goin' home wit choo". I can hardly wait.

The West Is Best And Screw The Rest Council - Responsible for ensuring that the western countries get the best pickings of the new technology, and ensuring that when non-western countries do get access to this technology, they are bombarded with propaganda and commercialism. But we have to do it, I mean, my God, they may turn out to be smarter than we are!

The Airy Fairy Future Predictors Federation - These dudes are able to predict the future of technology by placing their heads up their own fundamental orifices (orifi?) and having a look around. They then pass on their vision to all the other suckers at totally meaningless (and very expensive) seminars and expos. This eats into the expense accounts of IT Professionals (an oxymoron?) and code cutters (notice how they squint when they get out into daylight?). These expenses are, of course, passed on to the end users. Glorious stuff.

Jargon Jugglers Junta and the Association Of Acronym Administrators - Responsible for making anything to do with computers completely incomprehensible to the end users, as well as most of the computer industry itself. The aim of this is twofold: To make computer people sound more important and skilful than they are or could ever hope to be, and to drive end users into the waiting arms of computer consultants like the Holy Webmaster who make lots of dosh doing things to computers that any novice could accomplish if only they knew what all the gibberish meant. And I say to myself, what a wonderful world.

The Spyware Society - This lot are dedicated to getting their little trojans onto your hard drive, for the Greater Glory of Nosiness and The Great God Spam. Rumour has it that they have developed a little applet that, using your soundcard, can detect your little wind-breaking indiscretions and pass on your details immediately to the Fart Police for further action. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

The Leave It Where It Lays Bureau - These people are dedicated system file stuffers, and offer guidance to programmers to help them ensure rogue DLLs are left behind after the end user has the temerity to uninstall their programme.

The Nasty No-copy Novitiate (formerly known as the Dongle Dilettantes) - Responsible for any and all of the little copy protection devices used over the years, from The Holy Dongle to product activation. Funny thing is, these methods have not stopped piracy one whit, but sure do make life more difficult for the end user. Which is as it should be, of course. (The jury is still out on whether a condom is a legitimate copy protection device).

The Crappy Drivers Guild - Responsible for writing those horrible, buggy, device drivers that go with your new bit of hardware. They don't to this to be mean, well, maybe just a little, but mainly so that they can get years of fruitful work removing old bugs and inserting new ones so they can get more years of fruitful work etc etc. Have been known to shoot programmers out of hand if their driver works first go.

Information Inveigle Institute - The dreaded triple-I also worship The Great God Spam and use all possible methods to con you into giving your most intimate details when registering software online or signing up for a newsletter etc. They sell your soul to the Priests of Spam, so you may learn of viagra and lotteries. This continues to be profitable, despite the proven scientific fact that the amount of viagra currently being offered by the spammers over The Holy Internet exceeds the total mass of matter in the entire observable universe. According to Hoyle. Here endeth the lesson.

The License Lengthening Laboratory - They carry out experiments in lengthening Software End User Licensing Agreements (EULA) to beyond the limits of human endurance, so that even the keenest software purchaser is bound to fall asleep before reaching that part of the Agreement that contains the bits about having your toenails ripped out and your children sold into slavery if you so much as dare to think of making a backup of your new software, or the redhot poker inserted per rectum if you have the temerity to remotely consider putting the software onto your other computer, even if you are the only person who will ever use it. Their latest sample EULA can be downloaded in a 794 megabyte zip file. Of course, Microfart will want to add their own bits to really tighten things up. Holy restrictions, Batperson.

The Great Firewall Of Chimera Committee - Responsible for ensuring that the computer industry as a whole has no contact whatsoever with the real world outside, preventing any possibility of contamination from the human race, it's dreams, goals, and aspirations. As any end user will readily agree, this Committee is very effective.

I is Rosemary's baby.

No wonder they call you Big John.

Don't forget what Saint Bill of Holy Redmond says, there are no such things as customers or even ordinary citizens, only those who have pirated Microfart Software, those who are pirating Microfart Software, and those who will pirate Microfart Software given half a chance. According to the Holy Writ of Saint Bill, every sentient being in the entire universe has but one aim in life, to rip him off by pirating everything he does, and to send him to the poor house.

O Saint Bill, may the curse of open source never lay upon your doorstep! May you always be richer than Holy Oracle! May the universe stop picking on you, you who have calmed us with your Holy Blue Screen! May your paranoia rise unto the heavens! May you never realise that to most of your fellow human beings, who do not worship Holy Dollar, you are irrelevant!

See you in Hell, Saint Bill!